Control

It would seem that I am at an impass with myself. I think too much, talk too much, breathe too much. I am in control of my own fighter plane and I'm goin' down. At this moment, I give God complete control.

Right now, yes.

I have all these dreams of brilliant, crazy-awesome things that could happen, but if they're not in-tune with God's will, who cares?? I DON'T WANT THEM ANYMORE. And the sad part is that I wanted them for me. Not a dream for someone else to complete and bask in, not a dream for an entire group of people to be liberated from some tyrant somewhere, but they were all dreams that would be beneficial to me and only me if they were indeed carried out.

How selfish can one get? I find that selfishness can only deliver in a 1:1 ratio, where as generosity nearly always results in profit for the giver and the receiver both. And yet I remain constant in my vainglorious, typical, wasteful nature. Hopefully that stops today, here. Prayerfully, it stops in this moment. God is willing and it stops now.



"If you carefully observe all these commands I am giving you to follow—to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways and to hold fast to him—then the LORD will drive out all these nations before you, and you will dispossess nations larger and stronger than you"

Moonwatching

Last night, some moonlight peeked through my closed blinds right before I was going to sleep.

So I opened my blinds. It was unbelievable.

The moon was full--a tiny marble suspended in the sky.
Completely full. And it was hanging out in the space between the edges of my narrowish window, above the dark silhouette of my neighbor's house.

It rose, slowly and patiently, in a perfect curve and I measured its progress by how far it progressed up each sliver of a blind from a certain perspective.

It was so beautiful: such an ageless classic!
So I free-wrote (that's where you don't stop, ever) with/about/for the moon for an hour in the night...

...by moonlight.
It casted deep shadows on my notebook.
And I had to periodically shift my location
to escape from the darkness.

But honestly, it was incredible.
God revealed many things to me that night...
At one point, I felt Him right behind me.



Revelation 2:17- He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it.



Last night, God gave me a white stone with my true name inscribed upon it in gray craters and white ridges--the moon.

We live for these moments. Moments of solitude and introspection, accompanied only by the best things whose comfort is so often ignored. Like the moon. Like God.
I sincerely hope you try this sometime; it will be well worth it.



Dear Lord,

Thank you for the moon.

Amen

Neck

This lovely neck of mine:
Anther perfect creation.

I would wish to bend it downwards,
And bow eternally to our Lord,
Or to thrust it permanently upwards
And bask in all His glory!

But for now, it points ahead
At the path laid out in front of me
So that on Redemption Day,
It may do both in perfect harmony.

Struggle

I pretend like everything is fine.
It's not. WHY, God, must it be so, so hard?
I can't live without it...everytime I get anywhere close, it walks away.
Is this how You want it to be?
I lay down all I have for you.
Must I lay down what I don't have?
Would it encompass my life---more than YOU??
no, never, nay, all for naught.
(but it would. i admit it. i would dwell on nothing else.)

I am fasting from the stupidest things. But there is good reason, I suppose.
You.
Yahweh.
Father.

Infiltrate me,
that what I want will come naturally and in Your way,
that it might drench me in pure, distilled rain. Rain down.
Thank you, but know (but you already know) that this is hard.
But it would be so hard to do regardless! I am too shy,
Too constrictive,
Too reserved,
Too many walls put up.
I want to tear them down!! But I won't.
This must be why...among so so so many other reasons.
Would it be....
?
Somebody. Anybody. Nobody.

For anyone, anyone, anyone,

Even though I know who.

You know, I don't.
But let's not keep it a secret forever, okay?

Ahhhhhhhh. :) :) :) So this is what it feels like

Hey God,

Take me, break me, I am pierced. (--Audio Adrenaline)